It’s been a pretty full on day today, full of big feelings. I’ve been feeling a lot of these over the last six months since I separated from my husband and I’ve had to do a lot of self-reflection to work out what unravelled within my relationship and what patterns I needed to break.
Whether you’re in a relationship currently or not, it’s important to understand the relationship you hold with yourself.
The big feelings that overwhelmed me today were triggered following an engagement party I attended where there were a lot of people there that I hadn’t seen for years asking questions about my breakup. Following this the feelings of loss and abandonment cut so deep that it just felt like hot pain. And it would have been easy to try and shut them out, however, I now know that as harrowing as that pain is, it’s a gift. It holds the key to the place you will do anything to avoid! This is where the powerful information comes and this is one of the keys to self-growth.
When I tapped into those feelings today, I remembered a time when I was 11 and my father passed away from cancer. There was such enormous loss that I realised that was the place I was trying to avoid going to again, particularly in my romantic relationships. Because I hadn’t had a strong male role model around since my father died.
I also worked out that I go head first into romantic relationships, without prioritising self. The other person’s needs and wants quickly become all consuming and often my self-esteem and self-worth are wrapped up in validation from them. Basically, I was no-where!! I would self-abandon over and over again and almost mould into that other person.
The biggest issue that I now see is I never had a powerful no.
Boundaries were pretty much non-existent. The interesting thing with me is I have some good boundaries in other areas of my life, however, in my romantic relationships it was a different story. So essentially, I haven’t been able to stand in my truth and in the end felt resentful because I haven’t listened to my own truth and spoken my own truth. This is the work I’m doing now – breaking old unhealthy patterns and working on my own self-worth.
Other Signs You NEED TO FIND YOUR SELF
• Doing anything to please and satisfy your partner no matter what the expense to yourself
• Feeling constant anxiety about your relationship due to your desire to always be making the other person happy
• Using your time and energy to give your partner everything they ask for
• Feeling guilty about thinking of yourself in the relationship and not expressing any personal needs or desires
• Ignoring your own morals or conscience to do what the other person wants
• Feeling extreme conflict about separating yourself from the enabler because your own identity is centred upon sacrificing yourself for the other person.
A loss of self (or lack of individuation) is just one of the unhealthy behaviours that can be developed growing up.
The lines can often blurred between where the self begins and the other ends.
However, like any unhealthy behaviour, it can be learned, which means it can be unlearned. My work right now is about developing a stronger sense of self and prioritising my own growth. It’s about breaking unhealthy patterns and creating new amazing ones.
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